Trust and Forgiveness

We moved to California from Cleveland, OH in May of 2005. It had only been about 5 months since my husband told me that he wasn't sure that he wanted to stay married to me but then he'd changed his mind. I most often wore the look of a deer in a car's headlights and when I wasn't wearing that look, I just looked older and just plain worn out. I had no idea at the time prior to my husband's revelation that I was about to be abandoned, yet again. My mother left me and my father to live in New Orleans where I grew up to move back to Spain when I was 12. I spent most of my life being torn between 2 parents on 2 continents living with each part of the year and leaving and “goodbyes” were a recurring emotional trauma that never got any better. I never understood why my mother had to leave and why I wasn't worth living near so we could have something of a normal relationship.

My husband was leaving for Iraq on August 28^th and I was basically unceremoniously dumped in the Mojave Desert where there was very little civilization. I found a job grooming part time in July and the women that worked there took me in as something of an orphan :) I was 35 years old and had ridden horses since I was 5 years old but I never had my own horse because my father had always told me that it was terribly expensive to keep a horse and he was right! On a cop's salary living in New Orleans it certainly was but here in this desolate place my new found surrogate family assured me that horses were not impossible to own at all. One of these friends invited me to ride her horse so she could assess my ability. She found me able and introduced me to her daughter in law who had a 3 year old mustang that she needed to sell. I was assured he was under saddle and just green and that in the expanse of the open desert, we would soon be down the trail together! I was so excited!!

On August 28, 2005 I said goodbye to my husband and went to go pick up my horse! My friend and I saddled up 2 horses and set out to pony my new young gelding, Shazaam to the ranch where I would board him.

The pony horse we took tried to kill the poor gelding so we thought we would just lead him home. It was only a mile and a half after all. Well, Shazaam didn't lead and my poor friend who offered to lead him while I got the other geldings out of sight nearly didn't make it to the ranch with horse in hand.

I came to realize quickly over the first few days that what I had was a semi-feral poorly handled horse on my hands and I was completely in over my head. Any sane person would have returned Shazaam or resold him quickly but I was in all likelihood not sane at the time. I had spent a lifetime training dogs and rehabilitating unsocialized fearful dogs who thought like prey animals and I had quite literally NO LIFE- So I thought I'd give it a shot.

I couldn't climb through the rails of his corral without Shazaam leaving the ground in a panic. I tried to work him in “horse language” but every move I made was too big. My timing always wrong. I had trouble seeing his “try”. I'd never had problems with domestic horses and I was at a loss as to how to reach Shazaam. After a few months he started to trust my touch some but I didn't make headway with him until I could establish a path for 2 way communication. I chose what I knew. I chose clicker training. I trained him at liberty in a ¼ paddock. He quickly would go to a marked spot, come when called, and stand still through scary stimulus. A thin silvery thread of trust developed between us. He began to offer behaviors trying to initialize communications. Realizing that HE could start dialogue too. This bought me time to learn how to speak HIS delicate and intricate horse language. It wasn't easy. I have been dragged through the desert at the end of a leadrope. I have been launched onto my back on the first day of my husband's second deployment and ended up unable to walk for a week (double trauma- an unconscious association that made me deeply fearful of riding). So it has been a fairly steep learning curve.

Shazaam was blown up with saddling before I bought him. I have been saddling him for 7 years now and he isn't happy about the process yet. He is fine once it is over and as narrow as he is, he happily braces and helps me get on him (I am not thin anymore with my stupid hormone problems but I never stop or slow down in an effort to be as fit as I can be) but he gets scared easily to this day and he “leaves” me. I have remedially trained him over and over and it does no good. This actually tied into my abandonment issues. That I wasn't trustworthy and consistent enough to stay with... or otherwise lacking. They say horses are our mirrors and I was so stinking confused about what I see in this mirror that I went on to adopt another unhandled mustang directly from the BLM. This second horse Phantom is tamed and trained by me and he is outgoing, solid in his training, and afraid of very little except cows. He is now 8 years old. I also have a 4 year old filly who is a little introverted by personality but is very trusting of me and enjoys our work together. I needed to know if different mirrors reflected other things.

I found out after I bought Shazaam that as a very young horse he had been found cast in his corral one day by a hay delivery guy. He had his head and neck thorough the corral pipe and his body had fallen down. His tongue was blue. When I mentioned this to my new vet recently, she thought that it was very possible that he had suffered brain damage as a result of that accident and that this is possibly why I am only getting so far in my training with him.

The most important thing that has happened for me as a result of all of this is FORGIVENESS. I learned to forgive Shazaam for leaving me and this bleeds over into forgiveness for all the people who have felt the need to leave. I realize that if they leave, like the frightened horse, they have to. I do my best to create a safe place, with good old trustworthy me.

Under Saddle - Pro training

After the first time I got bucked off I decided that he needed a professional to ride him and get him quiet so I employed a Canadian trainer named Rick Bates to ride him and train him for me.

Rick taught him to tie for extended periods and have patience he taught him how to go out on the trail relaxed and easy. He no longer flinches when you saddle him and he takes the bridle very softly. He still won't stand well for fly spray and to be honest, I've learned that the fight is just not worth it because when Shazaam is quiet he's quiet but if you engage in a fight he will escalate things and there is just no winning- besides it's too important to me to preserve his dignity. I've seen people compromise the horses' dignity over the past year and in my very humble opinion, it's never necessary.

For training materials, I've studied Parelli level 1 & 2 as well as Clinton Anderson Starting Colts Under Saddle DVDs.

Shazaam and I are working on Parelli Level 2 ground work and that works well for him.

I will be using Chris Cox DVDs on collection and headset to teach him to be vertically soft. I truly feel that Mr. Cox does the best job at teaching this exercise.

I read a GREAT book titled "Ride the Right Horse" by Yvonne Barteau. It is about understanding horse personalities.

I will be buying Dennis Reis program before the end of this year and also Parelli's Understanding Horsenalities DVDs. I find the whole study of equine psychology fascinating.

Saddle breakthrough and first ride!

Shazaam had just about a month off before I started messing with him again and honestly I think he thought about his lessons the whole time because I was able to pick up where we left off and he was much more comfortable with the whole process.

I work in just about 1/2 hour increments with my horses every day. It forces me to take small steps and be very conscious about ending sessions on a successful repetition and a positive note. I say these two things separately because they are indeed separate. A positive note can mean simply quitting when a fear is overcome or a horse having decided to quit you for the day gives yet another small try. I may not always get a successful repetition to end on or I may flub things by not stopping when I get a good repetition but I can just about always meet a horse on a positive note.

So I come back to Shazaam after a month and we spend about 20 minutes getting half way up on him one day and petting him until he was pretty comfortable with that.

Then about a week later, I got my trainer who is a light rider (I ain't light at this moment in life) to get on and just sit while I handle him from the ground and then just get up and lay across the saddle while I lead him around a bit. At first his feet were sticky but once he realized he was able to move he didn't protest at all. I got his feet unstuck by going back to the basics of teaching to lead, using the pendullum method to get one foot step with a reward. That and a verbal cue to walk on which was taught in the round pen. He still was not real comfy with the saddling process.

Five days later, being yesterday, I noticed a breakthorough in saddling! Shazaam just stood there like he was bored with the world. He still gets just a mite worried when I do the last tightning of his cinch but over all he is relaxing much more. Then, Jessica, my trainer got on him and I led him around the round pen, slowly working to a longe position. He did great! Jessica is pretty experienced and light with her aids so I trust her to help out where I'd have to fumble with it a bit. Anyway, I wonder if this saddle isn't pinching his withers a bit... It sits off him in the rear a tad with no rider on him. It's a very light saddle with a synthetic tree (semi qh bars). He's not painful when I check him but I'll watch it very closely. I have a wintec dressage saddle too with all the gullet plates- if that doesn't work I may be on yet another saddle hunt. I don't necessarily have an English or Western preference- I have a "get on down the road nice & comfy-like for everybody" preference.

Danged skinny, narrow horse!

He durned well Will Wear a Saddle!!

Conformation Picture 6/25/06

He does NOT have a big head, K!!?


I LOVE this horse and he's my best buddy but the saddle issue has been a bit trying. I hired someone with a college degree in equine studies to put the first 5 rides on him but oh yeah she had to start with the saddle right? Right. After a few hairy moments, she has managed to train him to stand for saddling but the process was not so pretty. He even got the saddle turned under his belly which provoked rodeoesque bucking of great proportions. It didn't last long though because I've taught him a 1 rein stop from on the ground. I took Clinton's advise and became a flexing freak and lo and behold in the middle of all that bucking he stood on his lead rope with a hind leg long enough to pull his nose to his belly and just like magic he stopped and let us free him from his rather hairy predicament. Since then he stands really still when you put the saddle on him. He isn't totally relaxed about it yet but I believe that with enough uneventful repetion, he will get more comfortable. It's worth noting that the Big Horn Cordura saddle with the synthetic tree is in my opinion, virtually indestructable.

I've been ground driving him and he drives like a dream, all over the big pasture (desert joke) too. So the next move with that is to take him out of the yard. I've hand walked him all over the place. Over cement driveways, and near all kinds of scary objects- objects don't really phase him so far.

I'll give him all the time he needs to accept a rider. He has been traumatized and I know nobody gets over their childhood traumas over night.

The Durned Horse Won't Wear A Saddle!

Well...he has a reason for it. It was the first time that humans broke his trust (involving a very ill fitting saddle and trying to get on him the first time he ever saw a saddle) and for a wild horse in human society an unshakable trust is the best foundation he could hope for. I don't think he remembers why he doesn't want the saddle on him but he does associate the saddle with negative emotions.

I had a friend of mine who is a fan of a popular clinician and a fairly accomplished horsewoman offer to roundpen Shazaam into accepting the saddle. She offered only after seeing me fail, week after week to get him to calmly stand for saddling. My approach then is the same as it still is: exposing him to the saddle in tiny increments and ensuring that each tiny step is accepted as No Big Deal on his part. Since my friend has gotten every horse she started to accept the saddle in a single day, no doubt my inching along was almost painful for her to watch. So I let her try it her way. To make a long story short, she used his legs and lungs to get to his brain and after an hour of running and sweating he was content to stand for saddling and took it pretty well- in fact she got the saddle on and cinched 3 times. I was pleased.

I got out the next day to repeat the process with her watching and, I'd offer him to come in and he would but upon picking up the saddle, he'd go back out to the rail for more work. This went on for over an hour- him choosing more work over wearing a saddle. It was apparent to me then that my horse was very fit and if I wanted him to accept a saddle I would have to continue to try to gain his cooperation versus trying to dominate him into the task. Live & learn I guess.

So I went back to saddling him on lead and allowing him to move forward when he felt he couldn't stand still any longer. He's a bit of a claustrophobe and moving helps him do something with his anxiety. Keeping his nose turned in I started asking for him to do other tasks not involved with saddling like yielding his hind end and then offering a chance to stand still and when he took it, I removed the saddle. We did this dance until I could put the saddle on him without him moving off, he could remain standing for 2 seconds while I removed my hands from the saddle to pet his neck and then removed the saddle.

This is our new starting point! To get him to stand still and relaxed with the saddle on, increasing the time he wears the saddle one second at a time if necessary. I am not quiet with the saddle and try to be natural about putting it on and taking it off. After I work through getting him to stand quietly for cinching the rest will be a breeze because interestingly enough, wearing the saddle cinched and moving at a WTC does not bother him but putting it on is the main issue.

I know it's slow going- painfully slow maybe- but we'll get there through patience and consistancy. Can't wait to post a picture of him saddled...

Longing! and walking the dog er horse

Yesterday was a training day. Shazaam learned just last week how to move off and longe on a line. Once again he was sticky on his off side but by golly we got it! He longes nicely at the walk and trot and changes direction by doing a roll back without coming in near me. As always we are working on the head down cue and it gets better and better every session. He was having a terrible time with me hanging my arms over his neck, withers, back, and croup but I've been hanging out with him while he eats and just brushing and hanging all over him and he is now pretty much fine with it.

HA! I think I finally achieved the golden grail- he is showing me more and more that he can spook in place. Shazaam hates saddles because some dummy decided to try to jump on him after saddling him before I got him. Since then, the experienced help I was getting tried to saddle him again and he spun and knocked her over- I truly believe he knocked her over because he didn't want to mow me down as I was on the other side of him but about 20 feet away. So much for the backstory and to the meat, last month I did something stupid as green horsepeople are destined to do. I unwittingly place my horse between myself and the hot wire of his paddock. He was eating and had about a foot between him and the e-fence and I was haning on him while he was eating. I accidentally touched the wire and felt the current in my toes. Shazaam spooked in place with just a tap of his front hooves and scooted me over about 3 inches and then happily went back to munching his grass hay. He has spooked the same way around me almost entirely since except for once and he still didn't move but 2 feet from his hay (he scared himself, the big goober).

Since he has been coming along so nicely, I decided after our longing lesson yesterday to take him for a walk around the neighborhood. Its pretty rural with dirt roads so I wasn't worried about highway traffic or anything. I walked him by the only house we had to pass on the route we were taking and oh boy, there were at least 20 dogs on the property that were barking like crazy. Shazaam is used to the ranch dogs and my dogs and he ignores them unless I yell at them and then he goes to run them off, like he is my bodyguard/enforcer or something. Anyway, Shazaam starts to lock up in front of this house and his head went up (for 14hh he can make himself very tall when he wants to). Well I knew I had to get his feet moving to start him thinking about me and not the dogs so I gave him a bump with the rope halter to get his attention and circled him around, asked him to disengage his rear a bit and we started forward again. He was fine after that but I realize now that I should have started this before he reacted by getting tall and locking up- live and learn I guess. When we got back on the ranch property he dropped his head real low and nuzzled me like "You said it was ok and it really was! I'm such a goober mom)

Just a journaling thought here: Because my horse is soooo sensitive, I had a tendency to move and do everything carefully around him. Well that never made his spooks better and in fact I think he took that gentleness as tentativeness and felt insecure from it and it subsequently made him spook worse. I got piece of advise from Marv Walker off his despooking the horse video and that was to act normal and do whatever you do around the horse and he will get used to that- he will know that you control every crazy thing that happens in his environment. Never have truer words been spoken. I flap stuff, slam stuff, and just be my genuine clumsy self and since I started that, Shazaam is fine with it- all of it.

Now when I go to saddle him in a couple of weeks I KNOW that I have to erase the fact that he has a history of aversion to them from my mind so I can just get it on like we do it all the time and everything is ok. It's mentality that is key and since I've learned to teach him to flex laterally and soften to the halter, I'll better understand how to move with him until he stops with the saddle on until I can get it cinched up...we'll see how that goes. Can you tell I'm still apprehensive about it :)

First horse a wild horse-what was I thinking?

Shazaam!

I've ridden horses since I was five. Generally school horses. Some were really nice expensive Andalusians and I'm half Spanish and that particular breed of horse has always been to me a horse far above many other horses for their high intelligence and the bar by which I measure all horses I've ever delt with. My last horse experience was a trail ride on a mare with a nasty attitude (the ride was uneventful) when I was about 23 years old.

Fast forward 12 years. I'm married to a wonderful military man and we are stationed in CA- the desert no less! I find that owning horses out here is fairly inexpensive given the fact that there is no pasture to feed them with and after being here a couple of months and turning down a couple of offers for horses that are middle aged and green broke I buy a 3 1/2 year old Strawberry Roan Mustang Gelding named Shazaam for the price of his adoption and his gelding.

Shazaam was captured by the BLM August 15, 2002 out of NV-504 Miller Flat and was adopted out March 3, 2003.









When I got him August 29, 2005 he did not look like a coming 4 year old, he looked like 2 year old. He had had minimal to no work done with him and although he did have a bit of ground work on him he was barely leading on the near side and not at all on the off side. He looks cresty here and the answer to this is that he was gelded at age 3 and he doesn't really know that he's not a stud colt anymore. Well I've never trained a horse before. Honestly, a few good horses taught me how to ride and a few bad ones taught me to ride better. Given that he'd had over two years of just having food tossed to him, any fooling with him I did was better than nothing. So I groomed him alot and started despooking him by tying an American Flag to his pipe corral, tying plastic bags to the bushes around his pen, walking him through tires and over planks of wood.

He was a very spooky horse and is the type that drops and then jumps sideways before he spins to run away. All I could think was "I gotta fix that before I get on and getting on seems like it will be a long ways away from now".

Shazaam is a very interested and intelligent horse, and his curiosity and supple mind, along with his wonderful friendly personality is what would accelerate our progress. Ok so I had to be there to present the lessons.

I got my hands on books and videos and horse boards and lists to learn as much as I could soak up (and still AM- I'm a ways off still on being a good horsewoman).

My learning materials so far:

Clinton Anderson: Downunder horsemanship for western and english riders and longing for respect video
John Lyons: Roundpen reasoning video and perfect horse magazine
Monty Roberts: From my hands to yours book
Marv Walker: Everything the man has on video and his email list.
Alexandra Kurland: The click that teaches in pictures
Bill Dorrance and Leslie Desmond: True horsemanship through feel
Mark Rashid: Horses Never Lie
Sgt. Rick Peliciano: Bombproof your horse

As you can see this is a very broad base for learning and I think every resource is valuable for putting tools in my training tool box. Since I train dogs and rehab shelter dogs I like having many tools to pull from because some methods are excepted better by different individuals and to me a good trainer has many possible answers to a single problem. Perhaps its going back to Dorrance's "feel" and having a few ways of presenting things can help the trainer offer a better feel to the individual.

Roundpenning has been the most difficult thing to get Shazaam to accept. I found out, talking with other mustang owners that mustangs are harder to roundpen because of their heightened flight instinct. Marv Walker has been the only trainer out there who's methods of roundpenning work for me and my horse. Since using Marv's methods in the roundpen Shazaam is more respectful, compliant, and patient. He also trusts me more to take care of all the potential scary things in life instead of having to determine for himself that a thing is scary or not.

Before this, it took me a month of desensitization work to get a winter blanket on Shazaam, so convincing him that I'm a good leader really pays off! Here he is being "Bondered" as Marv calls it in a 120' X 120' foot pet in December of 2005. The pen is too big but it worked fine for me this day.

Now that I'm up to speed journaling over the last 4 1/2 months I'll post our lessons as we have them.