Trust and Forgiveness

We moved to California from Cleveland, OH in May of 2005. It had only been about 5 months since my husband told me that he wasn't sure that he wanted to stay married to me but then he'd changed his mind. I most often wore the look of a deer in a car's headlights and when I wasn't wearing that look, I just looked older and just plain worn out. I had no idea at the time prior to my husband's revelation that I was about to be abandoned, yet again. My mother left me and my father to live in New Orleans where I grew up to move back to Spain when I was 12. I spent most of my life being torn between 2 parents on 2 continents living with each part of the year and leaving and “goodbyes” were a recurring emotional trauma that never got any better. I never understood why my mother had to leave and why I wasn't worth living near so we could have something of a normal relationship.

My husband was leaving for Iraq on August 28^th and I was basically unceremoniously dumped in the Mojave Desert where there was very little civilization. I found a job grooming part time in July and the women that worked there took me in as something of an orphan :) I was 35 years old and had ridden horses since I was 5 years old but I never had my own horse because my father had always told me that it was terribly expensive to keep a horse and he was right! On a cop's salary living in New Orleans it certainly was but here in this desolate place my new found surrogate family assured me that horses were not impossible to own at all. One of these friends invited me to ride her horse so she could assess my ability. She found me able and introduced me to her daughter in law who had a 3 year old mustang that she needed to sell. I was assured he was under saddle and just green and that in the expanse of the open desert, we would soon be down the trail together! I was so excited!!

On August 28, 2005 I said goodbye to my husband and went to go pick up my horse! My friend and I saddled up 2 horses and set out to pony my new young gelding, Shazaam to the ranch where I would board him.

The pony horse we took tried to kill the poor gelding so we thought we would just lead him home. It was only a mile and a half after all. Well, Shazaam didn't lead and my poor friend who offered to lead him while I got the other geldings out of sight nearly didn't make it to the ranch with horse in hand.

I came to realize quickly over the first few days that what I had was a semi-feral poorly handled horse on my hands and I was completely in over my head. Any sane person would have returned Shazaam or resold him quickly but I was in all likelihood not sane at the time. I had spent a lifetime training dogs and rehabilitating unsocialized fearful dogs who thought like prey animals and I had quite literally NO LIFE- So I thought I'd give it a shot.

I couldn't climb through the rails of his corral without Shazaam leaving the ground in a panic. I tried to work him in “horse language” but every move I made was too big. My timing always wrong. I had trouble seeing his “try”. I'd never had problems with domestic horses and I was at a loss as to how to reach Shazaam. After a few months he started to trust my touch some but I didn't make headway with him until I could establish a path for 2 way communication. I chose what I knew. I chose clicker training. I trained him at liberty in a ¼ paddock. He quickly would go to a marked spot, come when called, and stand still through scary stimulus. A thin silvery thread of trust developed between us. He began to offer behaviors trying to initialize communications. Realizing that HE could start dialogue too. This bought me time to learn how to speak HIS delicate and intricate horse language. It wasn't easy. I have been dragged through the desert at the end of a leadrope. I have been launched onto my back on the first day of my husband's second deployment and ended up unable to walk for a week (double trauma- an unconscious association that made me deeply fearful of riding). So it has been a fairly steep learning curve.

Shazaam was blown up with saddling before I bought him. I have been saddling him for 7 years now and he isn't happy about the process yet. He is fine once it is over and as narrow as he is, he happily braces and helps me get on him (I am not thin anymore with my stupid hormone problems but I never stop or slow down in an effort to be as fit as I can be) but he gets scared easily to this day and he “leaves” me. I have remedially trained him over and over and it does no good. This actually tied into my abandonment issues. That I wasn't trustworthy and consistent enough to stay with... or otherwise lacking. They say horses are our mirrors and I was so stinking confused about what I see in this mirror that I went on to adopt another unhandled mustang directly from the BLM. This second horse Phantom is tamed and trained by me and he is outgoing, solid in his training, and afraid of very little except cows. He is now 8 years old. I also have a 4 year old filly who is a little introverted by personality but is very trusting of me and enjoys our work together. I needed to know if different mirrors reflected other things.

I found out after I bought Shazaam that as a very young horse he had been found cast in his corral one day by a hay delivery guy. He had his head and neck thorough the corral pipe and his body had fallen down. His tongue was blue. When I mentioned this to my new vet recently, she thought that it was very possible that he had suffered brain damage as a result of that accident and that this is possibly why I am only getting so far in my training with him.

The most important thing that has happened for me as a result of all of this is FORGIVENESS. I learned to forgive Shazaam for leaving me and this bleeds over into forgiveness for all the people who have felt the need to leave. I realize that if they leave, like the frightened horse, they have to. I do my best to create a safe place, with good old trustworthy me.